Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I was nervous about calling but I needed to ask him something. There are certain things that I've grown accustomed to, in which he is the one that I rely on. Some of those things are questions about technical things. His sister answers the phone, it is awkward for things had gotten ugly at times and now I just wanted to tell her how very much I liked her and admired her.

He picks up the line and its like a light of warmth comes through the line. I ask how he is and he says he is happy. The tears well up for I can sense it and feel it. Its like the heaviness is gone and is replaced by the lightness of a soul. I don't cry because I am sad, which I am in many ways but more, because I am happy. Happy for this child man that I love.

His lightness persists in his words and I can't really explain it but its as if I can feel the warmth of it penetrating my being. I almost wanted to reach out and touch his face and say "see I knew you would be because your journey was not to end with me". He tells me he misses me sometimes and my heart aches because I feel as if my child has left his nest and I can't watch over him anymore and I can't help but let the tears run their course. I want to hug him and tell him that I am not far from reach if he should ever need me. I know that we cannot be together for that is really not the purpose of us.

As we finish our simple conversation, I have a lump in my throat and I can barely get that very small word out "goodbye". He is my Allen forever.


Anonymous said...

I have never had the experience of ending a marriage because I've never had the experience of marriage. I can only imagine what you're going through. I'm glad that you're still blogging, and I've finally caught up!

Hang in there. You're OK, and you're doing something incredibly difficult. I hope that your blog can be somewhat therapeutic.

Many hugs,

simply me said...

Hi Betty! How are you? I always read others blogs but it had been a while since I wrote. Its been a challenging year but I know all will be ok and its just another chapter of my life.
So much is changing but I still feel very fortunate and always hopeful.
Hope all is well with you and your handsome boy.

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