Monday, August 13, 2007

Besieged....but why??

I awoke this morning, to find myself in an utter state of overwhelmingness. Feeling as though I've gotten on the wrong train. I am not sure if it is the upcoming 45th year of my life, in which I am questioning direction, purpose and answers for myself. Or if its just my hormones gone wild. Often I am optimistic and balanced, this morning I am neither. It is not that I am not grateful for each moment that I have. Every day I typically wake up filled with joy at the possibilities for"potential" - potential for moments that take my breath away, potential of seeing a friend, potential of doing something good and meaningful. Today it was as if someone unplugged me, leaving me in a state, to which I can only wrinkle my nose as if smelling something foul.

I believe in my heart that this is not all bad.....for I am being forced to sit with myself and examine my inner happenings. Though, in a state duress, I know that anytime I have felt this way in the past, its because I have veered, veered from meditation, praying, and my own self. It has happened before, I get too comfortable and I stop doing the work, my daily work of the self. Because of this state, I am frazzled and now it appears that my neighbor has gotten a new toy, a motorcycle, which he has, to his delight and to the fraying of my nerves been reving up for almost 45 minutes now. Such noises to me seem a disrespect to humanity and the environment. They are not peaceful making sounds in any way.

"Oh God, thank you, he just stopped playing with his toy. Please don't let him find some other noise maker that will break the soft sounds of the birds playfulness." Yesterday he was trying to fix some screeching device like a saw for what seemed like hours until I believe one of the other neighbors complained. I am telling you it could have woken the dead.

I will be redirecting myself into some place of awareness today. Taking the time to meditate and bring balance back to myself and in doing so, bringing balance around me. When I look about me, I see the specialness of the world around me and it deeply saddens me to see the damage done. I often feel that there is something that I am suppose to be doing. I hope that in trying to find my own center and balance that I can promote it outward so that it can touch and renew, for I love life and the gift of living.

Off I go to count my blessings and then once again quiet my mind......