This is a post I started many months ago.
My marriage is ending by my choice and though I understand and know this to be what is best for me, the heart is breaking slowly and surely. For reasons that really don't matter nor do I wish to detail, after three years I am calling it quits. I think of all the songs and movies ever written depicting the one being left as the hero and the one leaving as the villain and I wonder if any one ever took the time to understand and get insight into how very difficult and painful it is to be the one to leave. This is my second marriage. I had such high hopes for a marriage filled with understanding, love and commitment.
I like being married, I like the smells and sounds of it. I like having someone to sleep with at night. I like the sense of belonging that you get when you look at your partner. As I begin anew, I know that the road ahead will be a difficult one. That the challenges will be many, not just because of my marriage ending but because each event in our lives triggers a tsunami of others.
I am working on preparing myself for these things.
My husband is a man that I love, he is someone whose presence in my life has taught me many things. At times the journey was painful, but at times it was beautiful. He is right about one thing, "I don't have what it takes". I don't have what it takes to have a relationship with him. It was difficult, painful, and so much more work that it had to be. As I watched my wedding video, I wonder if my tears then were from happiness or from fear that it would end.
At this point, there is anger, resentment and much sadness. I hope that one day, we can each look back and perhaps see the gifts the other gave. I hope that one day we can reach out to each other again. I have no regrets, I married the man that I love.